i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
