after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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