I just cut my nipple shaving
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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