you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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