so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
