my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
