So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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