YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
