I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
