It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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