Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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