I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
