so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
