I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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