did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
