So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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