She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
