pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
