I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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