when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
