you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
