I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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