Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
