I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
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