Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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