my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
