Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
