God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
