I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize