I just threw up on my dentist
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
