I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
