the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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