So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
