I wish I could punch you in the face.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
