They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I wish I only lived at night.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
