Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize