And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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