i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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