Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
