god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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