grandma shit on top of the toilet
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
