Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
