btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
