It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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