im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
