Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
