I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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