I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
