$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
