Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
