I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
