Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize