I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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