Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
