Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
