Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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