My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Randomize
